Today I woke up, after a glorious 9 hours of sleep and felt for the first time, in a long time … rested. I got up at 4:45am because I wanted to, and because I had been in bed sleeping since a little after 7pm, and could acknowledge nothing more could be done in this bed. And then … I didn’t know what to do.
I came face-first with the feeling that I had been chasing for the last 8 or so years, since the poor sleep began with my first pregnancy, and I was rested. What did one do at 4:45am when one was rested? I know what to do when you’re pulled abruptly from your bed because you have to pee/get up with an infant/can’t sleep anymore cause your exhausted brain is racing/woke up at 3am and have been thrashing till now. I know what to do in all the instances when it is not your decision to be awake at 4:45am. But what does one do when one choses to be awake at this time?
So I pulled out the yoga matt from under my bed and tried a few stretches. This hurt. I rolled on my back to rest before choosing the next stretch and was lost to deep thoughtfulness, staring up at the ceiling and reviewing conversations I’d had and conversations I hadn’t and thoughts I’d had, and reasons why I thought them. When I snapped from my reverie it had been a good 15 minutes, and when I tried to lift my head, my neck and shoulders hurt from this position. I got up. I took my thoughtful brain, and clearly broken and out of shape body (which I filed under: do something about that later) and pulled out a book. I guess perhaps, when one finds themselves with time one can read? Yes. One can read.
The rest of my day since then has felt like a pilgrimage. I’m searching for meaning in everything, looking for reasons for doing each task. Settling in and thinking, long and hard about decisions in front of me and my motivation for all of them. And not just small things. Things like: why have I chosen to live in this place? Is that enough? Why have I chosen to work for this company? Is that enough?
What brings me Joy? Who brings me Joy? See I heard something, from the great Mel Robbins (who I’ve followed on social media since I heard her speak). She says: forget the Pursuit of Happiness. What is your Pursuit of Joy. Like waves in the ocean, or something. You should probably let her explain it cause I’m ruining the metaphor already. But, perhaps the pursuits we seek are not the ones to be sought: happiness, success. What about joy? What about contentment? All excellent questions.
One final question has been plaguing me since awakening to a beautiful sunny day at an hour I wouldn’t have considered event 2 months previous: Is this, what restfulness feels like? If it is, it is delightful and just a bit overwhelming.