Well. Therapy. Why do the simple truths always seem to be the most shocking.
First surprising lesson in addictions counseling: I may have been a little hard on myself.
Too HARD on MYSELF?! That doesn’t sound like me at all.
My new therapist, we will call her G, was surprisingly encouraging of some of the progress I’ve already made over the last year. And it’s been awhile since I looked at things from that angle. You might have noticed if you’ve been here before, that my first response to most of this has been shame.
Shame magnet. Shocking. This has never come up for me before in therapy. Not once. Nope.
But G was encouraging and that was a lovely and unexpected start. After listening to some of my failures and some successes over the last year, G reminded me of some important things. Things that I used to use to convince myself that I didn’t have a problem, but when re-framed do show some progress.
- I am not waking up and turning immediately to drink.
- I am consuming mostly wine and not bottles of vodka.
- I can go for stretches without the drink and do not suffer withdrawal symptoms.
- I am talking about this openly.
- I am reaching out for help and resources.
Now don’t get me wrong. G didn’t indicate I was without alcohol addiction, but she did emphasize that sobriety looks different for everyone, and some can live within the confines of good boundaries with alcohol. And honestly, she was more concerned about my smoking. HA! Classic.
Lately I had assumed my relationship with alcohol was an all or nothing experience, but she’s right that isn’t true for me. If anything, having a small relapse seems to just feed the shame monster. And then I spiral into giving up cause it’s obvious that I am lost and will never win the fight. Or at least that is another clever excuse that the brain has convinced me of.
Give up. You’ll never be sober. Why try.
But G is right. There are times I can go out for a drink with friends and leave it at that. The problem is always in what follows me home. Physical boundaries of the house maybe be a gentler and kinder beginning. All or nothing does not work for everyone. They often don’t recommend people cut cold turkey, which I found very interesting.
And this twist is something I considered early but never tested. I lumped myself in with the AA mantra that: you cannot ever stop at one so never ever get to one. But she’s right. For me, that isn’t true. Not always at least.
Do I want alcohol in my life even a little bit? With all the troubles it has caused? Maybe not, but this reframing has given me some new flexibility is learning to control my addictions.
Sometimes gentle and slowly and patiently is the right approach. Not the slamming of doors and the barring of windows. I hadn’t considered gentle, though many have reached out to encourage me not to be “too hard on myself”. Maybe slow and steady wins my race.
Interesting, and enticing, a new journey without self-flagellation. Honestly, I’m willing to try anything so it’s worth a shot.
Not that kind of shot obviously. No shots. But perhaps, next time we are out, I can have a glass of wine with Darling DD and call it a night. Perhaps my sobriety looks different.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.