1st menu item: FUSILLI AL FORNO (spoiler: yes it is a bit hot, and no the children will not eat it)
1. Prep: find all bags of groceries that arrived in boxes. Realize some are missing. Retrieve missing ingredients from corners of the fridge where the children have hidden them. Cut away bite marks from things that are still “good”.
2. Cook Beef: Realize you’ve taken the wrong packet of meat out. Take out all meat from all 3 meals. Stare at them till a pattern emerges. Choose most likely packet of meat and return others to the fridge. Go hunting for 3-year-old that you’ve not seen in awhile. Find outside of the neighbor’s house. Return 3-year-old to the inside of neighbor’s house and hope she will be better cared for there.
3. Cook Sauce: find large skillet and pour 12 cups of water into skillet. Get interrupted by 4-year-old. Find markers for 4-year-old. Shout “I don’t know where the stamps are” at 4-year-old. Realize at 4 cups of water that these instructions seem wrong. Re-read instructions. You have merged step 3 and 4. Pour 4 cups of water from sauce pan into large pot and add remaining water. Bring to boil. Chop up onion looking thing.
4. Start over from the beginning. Realize PREP was wash all produce. Look down at onion thing and decide to just pray to the pesticide gods instead. Peel, then mince garlic and shallots. Think about googling shallots then just mash together garlic and onion looking thing.
5. Cook beef. This is actually step 2. Add meat to the skillet then read instructions again. You were supposed to first heat oil. Add some oil “around” the beef and then mash everything together as it cooks. Feed old scrambled eggs to 1-year-old that’s been hanging from your pants and screaming. Brown beef. Shout at 1-year-old to sit down in their high chair. Repeat.
6. Cook Fusilli. This is actually step 3. You know how to cook pasta. You are a mom. You don’t mess this up.
7. Cook Sauce. Yes, we’ve been at “step 4” before. Add onion-like-thing, garlic and chili flakes to slightly burnt beef mixture. Realize your children will not eat this now, as it will be too spicy. Shout at 1-year-old to sit down in their high chair. Retrieve scrambled eggs from floor and add some not-quite-cooked fusilli to the high chair with cheese. Add vinegar and crushed tomatoes to beef. Realize the box came with an adorable little bottle of PROPER balsamic vinegar. Add this as well.
8. Assemble. This is actually step 5. Add now mostly cooked fusilli to meat mixture with some of the water it cooked in and some spinach that you also did not rinse. Shout once more at 1-year-old and then just return child to the floor with the discarded food. Suddenly you are surrounded by children and someone is eating all the mozzarella. Shout at everyone and place downstairs to find their father. Realize you were supposed to preheat the oven to broil. Do that now.
9. Assemble, part 2. Cook meat and fusilli mixture until it looks thicker, dump in a pan and sprinkle with the mozzarella that you managed to save. Dollop 1/2 ricotta and then dollop the other half to make up for missing mozzarella. Broil in the oven for the recommended 4-5 minutes. Decide it’s not done and forget for another 5.
10. Finish and Serve. This is actually step 6. Remove from oven and be glad your husband will eat anything. Tear some basil leaves all over and ask him how he feels after eating half. Follow up with a question about up-to-date life insurance.
11. Once the children have all started to cry for candy, take wine and fusilli to living room to eat, while fed husband makes them cereal.
Review: it was actually really good but too spicy for the kids so….win!?