Now don’t get me wrong. If you’ve made a New Years resolution that you’re excited about enforcing in the coming months, I salute you and I am 110% behind you. Especially if it involves travelling to exotic locations or taking on an Iguana as a life partner. You go, you amazing human.
I personally despise the New Year, New You mantra that is steeped deep in a toxic tea bag of diet culture and shame. This multi-billion dollar industry has hurt many of my loved ones physically and emotionally. I never noticed when we were younger, but found out later that someone I knew well growing up starved themselves as a teen and exercised obsessively at night when no one could see. Those feelings never leave you. Those obsessions are nearly impossible to break later.
Despise. It.
Shame is something I know deeply. And if the spectrum of shame is remedied with Love, then I want you to know: you don’t need a new you. You are loved and perfectly and beautifully made. The end.
This time of year does make people ponder the last, and wonder where they are, and where they are going -and that I can get into. I love self reflection as long as it is not steeped in guilt or regret. No more self admonishing or self flagellation. Especially flagellation, please and thank you. We can look forward and make goals, sure I’ll allow that. But no goals out of guilt, conscience, appearance, or regret. Please.
This year I resolve nothing. NOTHING. If the last year of multiple attempts at sobriety has taught me anything it is to stop resolving. Today is all you have. Literally, might be your last. Nobody knows. We have all watched enough wonderful people pass senselessly away the last couple of years to know how precious it really is. What am I going to do with today? That is my new mantra.
In the last 12 months I have battled not one, but two addictions. I have pursued career changes. I have started coaching under 7 boys soccer (yes that deserves to be on the list). And I was very surprised by a Queen Elizabeth II Platinum Jubilee Medal for outstanding contribution to my community. Darling DD (previous post for those who forget who this is) and I still think it might be a mistake. I stared at the letter far too long and he just mumbled: SUS.
I have lived.
I really do believe life is marked by moments of Love, and yes grief. The last few years have held quite enough of this as well. For there is no grief without Love. The most beautifully hard Loves = the hardest of griefs. And if you feel that in your gut, if the grief ball in the box just hit that button hard, that makes you very, very lucky. Though I know it doesn’t feel that way at all and I’m so sorry. You had the best of Loves. You really did.
This is how we break from the shame-cycle. This is the opposite we all seek. This is the thing we strive for. Love. That’s it.
And yes it’s going to be beautiful and messy and inspiring and scary all at the same time. We can only hold on to the miniscule beautiful moments as they drift fleetingly through our fingertips, until the next beautiful moment. This year I want to pay attention to the little moments more. That’s the closest thing to resolve I have. Tiny, beautiful, messy, inspiring, scary moments and mark them as they pass.
Want to know mine from this past year? Excellent. I have a list of moments that will blow your socks off. If you’re not wearing any, put some on to feel the full effect.
- Listening to my 6-year old sing her heart out in the bath tub.
- Kittens. Yes, more than one. I am almost at my life-long goal of crazy cat lady. I think one more might make it.
- Watching my darling DD sing his favourite karaoke songs: If I Were a Rich Man – Chaim Topol, I Lied – Lord Huron ft Allison Ponthier, Lost on You – LP, Titanium – David Guetta ft Sia. (Not sure if that last one is his favourite or mine and the children’s).
- Falling asleep next to my 5-year old, when I catch his last “ok I give up” sigh.
- Making it 3 months sober.
- Playing epic LEGO and toy soldier battles.
- Singing my favourite karaoke songs: Oh So Quiet – Björk, Elephant Love Medley – Moulin Rouge, Let it Go – Frozen.
- That time my darling DD looked over at me, having been about 4 days sober, and said “I am so in love this version of you”.
- Menthol cigarettes. Oh heavens. Whoever invented these should be shot or possibly promoted.
- Scratching my 8-year old’s ears while he creeps from the curtain of slumber recounting last night’s dream.
These are the silly, tiny, and also not so tiny things that I want to start cataloging and caring about. Not even the slightest is losing the 8 lbs that is starting to make my pants tight. We need to start looking around us, and remember the things we are literally sticking around for. It is not a new waistline. Though if that helps your health and makes you enjoy Love more, you go and grab it. Or maybe go grab some new pants. Boxing Day sales. Embrace the NEW-wonderful-YOU-pants.
Therapy though. That I am going to do. I resolve nothing except therapy. So much therapy.
Ok, so maybe I’m the one that’s bullshit. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.