I remember very clearly taking an IQ test in my early 20s and finding I was, in fact, absolutely average. I took it 3 more times, and the results were the same. Immediately devastating.
I’ve come to realize there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being average, in fact, it’s a bit liberating to know I’m right along the middle of the pack. But at the time, I had cultivated an idea that I was somehow exceptional. Smart. That I was naturally good at things. Now I know that I have other talents. Mainly hard work and a relentless drive to try anything. For better or for worse, I’ve always had the reaction to other’s opinion of “you can’t do that” with “oh ya, watch this”.
Any of my fellow VCA-ers reading this might remember me as that very annoying one in high school ALWAYS putting up their hand in class, choir, etc. I was constantly volunteering for everything. Constantly believing I could do anything, which obviously was not always true. One of my favourite memories of choir was volunteering to be drummer for a time. I had a teacher give me the greatest compliment, though telling: you know I was hesitant letting you drum, but you’re actually really good! The “actually” is the telling part. I was “actually” not really that great at choir, though I did love it. My fellow altos always practiced just slightly away from me as I could not harmonize to save my life, though I tried.
But I could keep a beat. I could drum. And I could sing on key most of the time. I tried to use this compliment to my advantage and requested a bass drum. This was denied. Just the snare and top hat would do, I was told. But this spirit of trying anything definitely made me something else than smart. It made me relentless. Now, looking back I realize I didn’t finish a MSc thesis because I knew all the answers, but because I didn’t give up. That’s it. It took me a very long time and it was a grueling slog, but I finished because I kept going and eventually completed everything that was required.
So this uber-facts definitely caught my eye, and has had my perfectly average IQ thinking about it since.
Because I do drink for what I assume are the same reasons people with high IQs do = it quiets the mind. And my perfectly average mind is definitely not quiet. It is constantly going. It feels 100 miles an hour most days. Looking back on my life I now realize that stubborn, annoying girl who was constantly volunteering for everything, constantly raising her hand, was someone who hated to sit still. Who always needed her mind to be working on a problem, lest it be left to its own devices.
Sitting still with my own thoughts has never been relaxing. It’s a whirlwind in there. And it takes me to the point of this whole discussion: why do we drink?
Because I think this question is the one that needs to be answered to truly free yourself from any burdens of addiction. I know people who obsessively shop. I know someone very well who will put off work, family or other responsibilities to game. And I know many that drink. What are we all doing? Quelling the monster inside that is too loud and too exhaustive. We are looking for a break, or a high, or something to make us feel the parts we don’t want to feel.
They talk about this a LOT in books about addiction. Sobriety – from my perspective – is literally teaching people how to sit with their own thoughts and feelings again. Whatever it is we have been trying not to feel or whatever it is we’ve been desperately trying to escape. And that is very hard.
So what is it I’m trying to escape? At this point, likely everything. Another burden of the type of person who puts up their hand to try it all: you run out of capacity. It is a blessing and a delightful curse to be horrible at sitting still. But I am practicing. And I do know this: learning to navigate my own relationship with alcohol has never just been about the wine. It’s 111% about what’s going on inside this chaotic, average little brain. It was the only way I knew how to sit and rest. Same with the smoking. That one is completely about taking a break. Stopping to rest, and breathe.
Someone posted on my feed recently that sobriety means whatever you decide it means. And that one stuck with me too. I’m realizing for me, it’s not about never drinking alcohol again, but finding out and dealing with the WHY I drink. Perhaps I will eventually get to a place where I can have just one out with friends, and that be that. Or perhaps I won’t. But either way, the wine I drink alone in secret is definitely not about the wine. It’s about the thoughts and the feelings that I’m having there alone in secret, and that’s the danger.
So this post is a toast to the perfectly average, chaotic little brains. May we learn quiet. May we learn rest. And may we learn how in the loving hell to sit still for more than 5 minutes.