I did it. By all accounts and measurements, I’ve made it one month sober. Cue confetti.
First observation: my lungs hurt. See my last post for full explanation. Darling DD bought me a vape, so that’s helping.
Second observation: addiction is no joke. A difficult lesson to learn the hard way, but with all lessons learned in the gruelling war of your own body and mind, there is a sense of pride in having overcome this. Even for a month. And more importantly perhaps, there is a very deep sense of compassion for others who have had similar battles or worse. Those who have returned from the darkest depths of addiction are warriors. Those who have fought and not returned are warriors too. I can feel both of them today. And my compassion for both is tremendous. A great deal of privilege determines how well your battle goes, and I’m not ignorant to the privilege in my life that has made my journey easier than some.
As the season changes, and I find myself blowing toxic smoke into a cool wind littered with colourful leaves, I’m reflecting back on this last year and some big lessons. If I had been paying closer attention to the sobriety stories of others that I have read, and now have re-read, I would have realized February was not quite the step in my own journey to be making public declarations of sobriety. It’s true, hindsight makes it easier to see such things. In hindsight, this post is hopeful and finally declaring aloud what had been only whispers before. I was already tired of the fight in February, and I truly thought that I could do a vulnerable thing and say the hard truth aloud and then it would be done. Finished.
That was not how my journey went. I do know one thing for sure: this journey would not be where it is today, without that public declaration. So even though it wasn’t the declaration I thought I was making, it was another step. And the vulnerable part has taught me a lot about the love that exists around me, that I don’t always like to acknowledge or accept. So today I acknowledge you reading this. And I thank you for coming along with me. My writing this and your reading this, has definitely made a difference. I know that in my very soul.
So, thank you. Truly.