Only a 4-year old could compare with the amount I have been asking lately: But Why?
But WHY mama!?
God only knows, darling.
The reasons why are important though and I absolutely love this about kids. When I’m not too exhausted from the onslaught of questions (which is rare, but beautiful moments always are) I love to stare into their eyes when they ask and really see them for the question and why the question came to them and all the little spiderwebs of thought that brought them there. But Why, is always steeped in fantastic, delightful, actual curiosity when it comes to kids. Little pockets of beautiful moments. And it’s also fun to respond with: what do you think, to see if perhaps they’ve already figured out an answer better than yours.
Unfortunately we are often too busy to make time for the big WHYs. The big ones can be scary, and they can be hard. Sometimes, tragically, the big ones don’t have an answer and can trip us into the destructive loop of grief over that loss. The loss of meaning can be dreadfully scary. More than scary. Incapacitating.
But I’ve always found understanding my own, personal Why for things, can help me to either overcome or accept them. To grieve them or to release them. I’ve also heard some talk about Forgiveness this way. And overcoming anything always starts with forgiveness. Usually for yourself. This, the hardest of all forgiveness-es. Though a clever woman once said:
Grace means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose, instead of serving shame.
Brene Brown
How freeing is that? Truly another breath out and shoulders relaxed. So with forgiveness for myself and grace to see the purpose I will start a list of reasons Why I tend to reach for wine. These are mine, but probably not all that uncommon. I’ll counter each with a Plan for what I will do the next time one hits.
- Boredom – an obvious one. Bored? Eat a cookie. Bored? Open some wine! Who wants to get day drunk!? Me. Always me. Backup Plan: play a song on the piano for 15 minutes.
- Habit – the hardest glass of wine to kick for me has been the glass beside the pot of spaghetti sauce as I cook dinner. I loved opening a bottle right at supper to accompany my cooking chore. Made the whole thing much less dreadful. I’m not a bad cook but have a hard time doing it for fun. Tiresome daily chore to feed the family – improved immediately with some wine! Worked every time. Backup Plan: let my deliciously domestic husband do all the cooking. He did buy an air-fryer, after all. DD husband says I should change that to deliciously industrious husband: “fixer of hot-tubs and maker of donuts”, but I think that’s too long of a name plate.
- Loneliness – a personal one, made more prominent by a partner who’s the most skilled person I’ve ever seen relax alone in the basement for hours on end. Completely happy and at peace! Now it is definitely NOT my partner’s fault that I turn to wine when I want company and don’t tell him that. He’s just living his delightful, peaceful life in the basement, oblivious to my drunkenness above. But it IS my fault for not telling him that and quietly moping in front of the TV alone. Backup Plan: retrieve Husband from basement and force him to take me for a walk. Like a dog. Or call a friend. Call a friend while taking a walk. Many options here.
- Stress – this probably should have been #1 as I can see, in hindsight, how my regression into a problem during the long dark years of COVID-19 was due to burn out. I’ve read enough about burn out recently to know that I did indeed have it. And by making wine while everyone else was making sourdough, I cultivated the SHIT out of that burn out as I turned drinking into escape. Backup Plan: walk it out or jump it out on the trampoline. Take that husband for a walk like a dog. Maybe get a dog. Write it out in a blog. Practice some gratitude.
Those are my top WHYs and speaking them out – in black and white – kind of gives them less power, doesn’t it?