Celebrating 10 days seems totally-completely-embarassingly lame. But I am celebrating. If we celebrate every teeny tiny win it will keep this next year positive instead of what it has felt like before: impossibly hard.
This last weekend was very hard. I’m grateful for the books that have been suggested to me to keep reminding me why we are doing this hard thing. That others have recently done this hard thing, and not only survived, but thrived. And the books (and podcasts) that remind me We Can Do Hard Things. Emphasis on the WE. Thank you Glennon and Sister and Abby.
But back to last weekend. Thank goodness for these books as I thought I was going mad. In a way, perhaps I was. Re-wiring your brain and your compulsions is HARD. Breaking deeply imprinted habits is HARD. Finding out how much fun the emotions that you’ve been successfully numbing for quite some time, is …. hard. There’s a recovery saying that Catherine Gray quotes in her book The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober.
The best thing about recovery is that you get your emotions back. The worst thing about recovery is that you get your emotions back.
There was progress made, for sure. There was a change in my relationship with alcohol that was very distinct. Like the part of a break-up where you know it is completely over, and the grief of that loss has taken hold. Like the loss of a companion or dear friend. Very much like that. On Friday night after putting my kids to bed, I got in the car and started driving (have no fear – their father was home). I was going to make a stop and realized I wouldn’t be able to go into that building without ordering a drink, so I kept driving. Then I came to another stop which also had liquor sales next door so I kept driving. I finally drove on until I came to a McDonalds. Parked the car. Had a big cry. Then ordered a chicken sandwich and went home. Shockingly similar to a bad breakup, but progress.
This was the change: that whole 20 – maybe 30 minutes tops – I knew that buying alcohol that night wasn’t an option. It wasn’t considered, and this was new. It was hard, and I felt just a bit like I was going mad as my physical body attempted to drive me to places my mind would not allow me to go. But I won. I did not go. I did the hard thing and made it home. Another night sober.
The emotions though. Phew. Lord almightly. I might need to hang a sign around my neck for a couple more weeks.
FRAGILE – CONTAINS BIG FEELINGS – HANDLE WITH CARE
Though in all seriousness, this seems like a great idea for a recovery t-shirt. Patent pending.